Simply Feminine � Surprising Insights from Men Read online

  Thus, as the years went by, my girlhood desires became more and more a faded memory. Fearing judgment, criticism, and rejection, I conformed to what was expected of me by the changing culture. It seemed hopeless to fight for my feminine longings and dreams when I felt like I was the only female left who still dreamed of being a loving wife and mother more than being a corporate careerist.

  As a result, I spent years being single and pursuing what was expected of me as a “liberated woman.” But, no matter the career path I tried (and I tried more than a few!), I ended up feeling disheartened. Despite my best efforts, I did not feel fulfilled in any of these task-oriented endeavors. I eventually found myself feeling uninterested and detached.

  I even altered my look to project the appearance of greater power and competence. I worked hard to hide my softer feminine side by wearing masculine-styled clothing. Black slacks, black jackets, black vests, and black blazers dominated my wardrobe. Black! Black! Black! And more black! I believed that wearing colorful feminine dresses would make me look weak and less competent, so I avoided them.

  In all the years of going against my nature, I could not quite shake the feeling I was living someone else’s life. My heart just wasn’t in the role I was playing. Trying to survive in a culture that no longer supported my feminine nature, I had become inauthentic. I had become numb. I was unaware of how far from my feminine essence path I’d deviated. In spite of my childhood dreams, I didn’t marry until I was in my forties, nor did I have any children of my own. Unfortunately, my marriage was short-lived; it only lasted five years. I realize now that my part in its demise was withholding the admiration he needed. (I’ll cover this important topic later in the book.)

  And Then an Epiphany

  It wasn’t until a couple of years after I got divorced that a male friend shared his thoughts on what femininity means to men. I was fascinated (and relieved!) by what he said. He talked of feminine softness, warmth, radiance, and empathy—the qualities I had come to believe were of little, if any, value. After going through years of distress and heartache, I was thrilled to discover that my inner qualities, which I had hidden away, were actually honored and appreciated by men all along. Ironically, asking men what they thought had never occurred to me.

  With that revelation, I began to transform my life. Although the change didn’t happen overnight, little by little I let go of the façade and persona of masculinity in my appearance and attitudes. I focused on softness, warmth, sensuality, beauty, and color. As I gradually gave myself permission to relax into my femininity I happily returned to the essence of my girlhood; my former passions were reignited. And for the first time since I was a young woman, I felt elated that I could not only accept who I was, but also embrace it without needing to change myself to be what I was not. I had finally rediscovered myself … the truth of my glorious femininity.

  Femininity Shunned

  So, what happened to the glorious feminine?

  In talking with women about femininity over the years, I have found so much confusion and ambiguity around the term. Even the word femininity seems to have become politically incorrect, its rich meaning forgotten. In fact, the very definition of femininity seems to be obscure today. Looking up the word in the dictionary tells us next to nothing. Merriam-Webster defines the word femininity as: “(1) The quality or nature of the female sex; (2) Effeminacy; (3) Women, womankind.” A little vague, don’t you think?

  Unfortunately, femininity has lost the highly-honored status it once had. Expressing authentic femininity that manifests qualities such as a radiant smile, a gentle voice, sweetness and ladylike mannerisms is no longer promoted as a virtue. Western media and society have suggested that femininity is, for the most part, weak, insignificant, and subordinate. Due to this negative social conditioning and devaluation, we have come to view femininity as undesirable. The beauty of these fine qualities has been dulled and diminished. And so, we have largely stopped expressing our authentic feminine core for fear of being ostracized or judged. Ironically, we women have been the toughest critics of these softer qualities, while men have quietly continued to adore our feminine qualities all along.

  Though we have been conditioned for decades to believe that the masculine persona is worthier and more valuable than the feminine, the reality is that shifting into predominantly masculine energy only serves to weaken us. Our feminine bodies aren’t biologically and hormonally designed to handle the type of stress masculine men can handle. Likewise, men cannot handle the types of stresses we women excel at handling. As a male friend quipped, “Does anyone know a man who could handle a roomful of children without going berserk? I don’t.”

  A masculine man thrives on the energy of being mission driven. He’s pumped when he’s tackling large-scale problems, being heroic, physically protecting loved ones and tribes, and inspired by radiant feminine energy to overcome challenges and break through to a sense of freedom. A feminine woman, on the other hand, thrives on relating, connection, compassion, empathy, radiance, and softly influencing others (especially men) through her inner and outer beauty. There is no “superior” or “inferior” in our different qualities and strengths.

  And so shunning our innate nature has not been without major consequences, and the list is long. We are spending more of our lives today…

  Feeling overwhelmed and stressed.

  Being alone and lonely.

  Having less access to our innate creativity.

  Losing our attractive softness and becoming angular.

  Losing our sense of trust and intuition.

  Experiencing adversarial energy with men rather than cooperative and inspiring energy.

  Being more prone to empty materialism.

  Experiencing more weight issues.

  Becoming less attractive generally.

  Inspiring less adoration from men.

  All of which leads us to feel more emotional emptiness in our lives.

  With so many aspects of our lives coming apart, a growing number of us are finally realizing that something is very wrong.

  The False Promise

  We women have rightly fought for equal rights with men. Yet, were we so eager to declare victory that we settled for less by willingly trading in our true birthright, our femininity, in exchange for equality? If men get to exercise their rights to remain in their natural masculine energy, while we women have to suppress our natural feminine energy, is that really equality? How can we compete with men who are already great at being masculine? Why put ourselves at this unfair disadvantage? We were told we could have it all, but after half a century, do we? How can we realistically have it all when we’re operating as “imitation men” and not from our natural feminine essence? That’s not equality—it’s being a slave to political correctness. We should never have had to give up our femininity to gain equal rights to men.

  Let’s Face It—Women Make Lousy Men

  As one man best expressed it:

  “When women try to become masculine, they give up their true strength. Women are already upstream in the Universe—they just need to flow with the current rather than fight it and try to go the wrong way.”

  – Rob

  Many women today believe that to succeed in the workplace they must set aside their femininity and operate from their masculine energy. However, for those of us with a strong feminine core, this means an endless struggle to stay in an energy that is foreign to us. Because a masculine role is not natural to us, we aren’t living from an authentic place. We keep ourselves from fully expressing our innate competencies. As a result, we are not performing at our best. Even worse, we accumulate stresses that take a toll on our mental and physical well-being. Our bodies protest and become tense and rigid because this is not our true energy. We risk burning out.

  Correspondingly, we have all observed women in leadership roles who act as if they can gain more power and control by being rude, overbearing, and domineering. Far from being examples of empowerment, they mimic the b
ehaviors of lesser, insecure men. Truly effective leaders, men and women alike, lead by example and empower others, rather than by ego domination and control. Men have made it very clear to me that women have extraordinary power over them—if they are being feminine.

  Here is a refreshing bit of information I learned from men: Women acting masculine is not what elicits respect. In fact, men see it as a weakness—a sign of cowardice, because they don’t have the courage to be themselves. What’s respected in the workplace is a woman (or a man) who is talented, capable and competent at what they do. Therefore, a woman who’s competent in her field and who has the courage to be authentically feminine at the same time can be powerfully effective.

  The fact that women don’t need to act masculine to be successful is not an arbitrary conclusion. It is supported by the men I’ve talked with. They overwhelmingly expressed the belief that a woman can be a great leader while staying feminine. Rather than trying to mimic masculine qualities, a woman can effectively leverage her feminine (e.g., connecting and relating abilities) to lead a team by gathering the best ideas and using her influence to orchestrate agreement. This way, the organization can accomplish a goal with the whole team buying in. Some of the details may require more masculine energy, and if she chooses, there is nothing wrong with temporarily exercising her masculine energy, or delegating tasks to those better suited to them. She loves her team or organization into success, just as she would her family. She leads from her authentic feminine, not a façade of masculinity.

  Femininity: A Perfect Design

  Imagine Aphrodite, the goddess of love and beauty. She has an inner glow about her. She exudes radiance with her warm smile, sparkling eyes and soft skin. In a relaxed manner she gracefully moves through life, cheerfully interacting with others, appreciating and creating beauty wherever she goes. She thrives on her relationships, including being warm and receptive to men and inspiring their cooperation.

  Now, picture that Aphrodite has decided to go masculine by “dressing for success.” She cuts her long locks, trades her flowing gown for a dark business suit, and rather than living from her natural feminine essence, sets her sights on climbing the corporate ladder to achieve power and material wealth. It may seem at first glance she is embarking on a path of achievement … but she discovers pretty quickly that she has traded away far more than she has gained.

  However, despite all the confusion out there, femininity is not lost. It’s an intrinsic part of who we are as women. Just as the sun is not gone when clouds cover it, our femininity simply needs to be uncovered so that it can shine through us again. Like Aphrodite, we are so much more effective when we operate from our natural essence—instead of altering an already perfect design!

  Recap

  Many women have felt pressure to abandon their femininity.

  Loss of femininity has affected women’s health, peace of mind, and relationships.

  Acting as “imitation men” only weakens us.

  Women and men were not designed to handle the same types of stress.

  We were given a false promise of equality if we became identical to men.

  Women make lousy men—especially when they emulate lousy men.

  Women can be effective leaders from an authentic feminine energy.

  Aphrodite’s glory is her femininity. So is ours.

  Women have been the toughest critics of femininity, not men.

  Men have never stopped supporting women in being feminine.

  Femininity is not lost; we have just temporarily lost touch with it. And we can get it back!

  Explorations and Journaling

  Is your deepest heart’s desire more for love and connection or to focus on tasks and challenges?

  Did you at any point turn your back on your femininity? If so, why? In what ways?

  Do you feel overwhelmed and exhausted playing a man’s role? If yes, list any additional detrimental outcomes from operating in your masculinity.

  When you hear the word feminine, what are some traits (positive and negative) that come to mind? Make a thorough list.

  Do you long to express more of your feminine nature? In what ways?

  Go through the Femininity Exploration Questions in the appendix.

  Journal your own life experience around femininity.

  Chapter 2

  Femininity in the Eyes of Men

  “Man’s greatest motivating force is his desire to please woman!”

  – Napoleon Hill, Author of Think and Grow Rich

  The Greatest Force

  Here’s a surprising insight I learned from men: Men know that femininity is the greatest force on the planet. This bears repeating. Femininity is the greatest force on the planet. And yet we women have been urged to believe differently. Perhaps if we understood the immeasurable value of our femininity to men, we would never have abandoned it. Instead, we would see it as one of our greatest treasures.

  Where Have All the Real Men Gone?

  Women often ask, “Where have all the real men gone?” Unfortunately, as we move farther away from our femininity, masculine men move farther away from us. Femininity is like an elixir that intensifies the lifeblood of masculinity. Masculinity truly thrives under the influence of the feminine. If we want masculine men to be attracted to us, we must first be feminine for them. Another thing to note here is that men will naturally become more masculine in the presence of feminine women. In the absence of masculinity in us, they will step up to fill that role.

  Letting Go of Preconceived Notions

  We women tend to believe that femininity is strictly a female domain, and that only women hold the meaning to what’s feminine. After all, aren’t we the experts on this topic? Most of us have never considered men’s opinions on femininity because it seems counterintuitive; femininity in the same sentence as men appears paradoxical.

  I’ve found that we have many false notions about what men find to be feminine. We develop our beliefs about femininity from our mothers, sisters, girlfriends, women’s magazines, and the media. Rarely, if ever, do we learn femininity from men. We think we already know what men find feminine, so we haven’t bothered asking them. After all, what do men know about femininity anyway? They’re just guys, right? Well, I discovered that they actually know a lot.

  Whether or not they verbalize it, men know what’s feminine. They do not consciously analyze, choose, or decide what’s feminine; instead, their biology tells them. Men do know what’s feminine because they know what attracts them. Mother Nature made our femininity for their masculinity. In other words, it’s our femininity that makes a man feel masculine.

  We females often have mistaken ideas of what attracts men. If we want to attract and keep quality men, we need to be willing to let go of the notion that we as women alone hold the key to our femininity.

  Men as the Beholders of Femininity

  We women are often blind to our own allure to men. Because the eye cannot see itself, we don’t see our beauty in the same way that men do. It’s impossible. As with beauty, both inner and outer, femininity is in the eyes of the beholder. Since men are the beholders of our femininity, wouldn’t that make them experts on the topic, and wouldn’t it benefit us to learn what femininity is from their viewpoint?

  Incidentally, although men know what attracts them to us, that does not mean they know all the particulars of our beauty products and services. For example, they don’t know the specific makeup brands, shades, techniques, hair-color products, and countless other details with which we concern ourselves. However, they do know what they like when they see it and experience it.

  “Femininity is something I feel when I see it, although it’s sometimes difficult to define in words. It’s an ethereal presence that at once stirs and soothes the male soul. I do know that a soft, kind smile from a woman is pretty damn feminine.”

  – Ken, business owner, Ventura, California

  Men Don’t Notice Our Imperfections

  Men find us more beautiful th
an we do ourselves. Instead of noticing what’s wrong, men see what’s attractive. For instance, men see our curves before they see our cellulite.

  We females, however, notice every imperfection. We expertly critique every detail of our hair, outfit, nails, makeup, and shoes. Because we are so hard on ourselves, we assume that men notice the same imperfect details. However, just as men don’t notice their socks lying in the middle of the floor, they don’t observe our imperfections—unless we call attention to them. We often make the mistake of redirecting a man’s attention away from our feminine beauty onto flaws we’re self-conscious about—flaws that a man would never have noticed if we had not pointed them out. While our female brains focus on what needs to improve or change, men’s brains focus on what’s feminine and alluring. We are far better off when we appreciate the positive feminine qualities that we already have in abundance, as opposed to being our own worst critics and finding an endless parade of real or imagined defects.

  A Story of My Brother

  When my brother Paul visited me in San Diego some years ago, he took photos of me at the beach. He later said that one photo in particular was the best picture he’d ever seen of me. But, when he showed me the photo, I didn’t like it at all, and I couldn’t understand why he loved it so much. My hair was blown back, revealing my high forehead and dark roots, and I felt my smile was too broad and gummy.

  My brother was a perfectionist in photography, so I couldn’t imagine why he picked that photo. But now, years later, I can finally appreciate the beauty he saw. Despite the glaring imperfections I observed, my brother saw a natural, happy girl with a genuine, unabashed smile. For him, my inner radiance outshined any “imperfections.”

  This story illustrates how men see our beauty differently than we do. They see our beauty when we often don’t.

  Men of all ages tell me that they see something beautiful in every woman, even if a woman is not their type. Finding women beautiful seems to be woven into their DNA. Women should feel relieved and happy that men notice and admire the simply feminine things we take for granted: our curves, our colors, our curls, our eyes, our smiles, and our hips. These features of ours are quite mesmerizing to them, even though we put little effort or expense into them.